What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

In my heart I've always been a writer. My very first inclination as to college major was English, but I was advised against that, as it did not lead directly to a clearly defined job track that was of interest to me. I had - and really still have - very little interest in journalism. English teacher did not spark my interest either, even though two of my sisters are teachers. I have always been more independent than I felt a teacher could be (although the idea of summers off sounds pretty attractive to me now...!) To be totally honest, Writer - vague as the term is - would have been, and still would be, the career, the lifestyle, to complete me.

It's not as if I have anything in particular in mind to write about. The Great American Novel is not burning within me. I just like - no, love - to write. I love the single-minded concentration, the discipline of organizing random ideas into cohesive prose, and the peace to commune with my own thoughts. And as crazy as it sounds, I love to research! When I'm in my "writing zone" everything else goes away and I feel my mind exploring diverse paths...like exercising a muscle in a different way. It is refreshing and rejuvenating...like a vacation from my day to day routine.

Much of the angst I've felt in my life comes from feeling trapped...that so much of my time is prescribed by schedule and have-to's. It frustrates me deeply because my 9-11 hour workdays are spent in an atmosphere of activity and chaos (as is the nature of working with children). In short, by the end of most days I am physically and emotionally spent, without energy - or time - for the luxury of creative endeavors. If I do catch a second wind, I get engrossed in something creatively exciting and find myself staying up far too late...the 5:00AM alarm rings early! As a result of this lifestyle, I feel I have an abundance of creativity that never has the chance to be expressed.

A few issues and questions occur to me as I soul-search here. I'll ask them, then try to answer each:

Does writing have to be my career? Doesn't the act of writing make me a writer? It is true that "writer" is an oblique term. I don't know that I need to collect a paycheck for writing in order to "be" a writer (although I wouldn't mind that, frankly...!) It would just be nice to have the thing I want to do and am good at be the thing that I spend most of my time doing. Still after all these years, I have a desire and talent, but no real way to turn it into my life's work...

Does writing but having no one read it make me any less a writer? (If a tree falls in the forest...) Well, I do enjoy writing for the sake of writing, and I do benefit myself when I write (clarity, creative expression, venting of opinion...So I think I am a writer, whether anyone reads what I write, or not. It's equally rewarding to me as just a form of personal expression.

Would "having" to write make it less attractive? To me it is all about the freedom, and the fact that I have come to this place fully aware that it is my choice. I would not be falling into being a writer because I don't know what else to do, or can't do anything else. I did not take the opportunity to choose my current career path based on what I wanted to do, so much as on what I could do. My Sweetie, Scott, found the wherewithal (or the end of his rope) and abandoned an (ostensibly) great job in the corporate world to pursue his dream. Today he is his own boss, working at precisely what he does best and enjoys most...and his degree is in Social Work!

If writing were my career, would I have anything to write about? Where would I find inspiration if not in my current job? I would be free to go places and meet people (by people, I mean adults). My world would be so much bigger if I were not tied down five days a week, needing to at least be available 55 hours a week! I don't think I'd have a bit of trouble finding fodder for my fingers.

I am not in any way saying that I dislike my career as a daycare provider, or that I regret the decisions I made to embark on this path and to have followed it for over 20 years. (I certainly could not be accused of being flighty, could I?) What I am saying is that I have reached a place in my life where I see things in a different way, from - hopefully - a more mature perspective. When I look at things now, I feel I need to make peace with the entirety of myself, and stop dragging this unfulfilled dream that never had a chance to live along with me. One more question: What am I going to do now? I don't have a vision of how I can make this happen, but at least I am writing every day, so I am a writer. I am actively looking for a next step...I am on a quest.

The ninety year old writer is inspirational to me because, every time I seriously consider changing my career, or making a big lifestyle change, I am plagued by the fear that it's already too late. I worry that while other people my age are making financial plans for their retirement, I have yet to really find my true calling...to discover and pursue what I want to be when I grow up...

Maybe I have a few decades to pursue things after all...