I Wanted To Kick Him In The Crotch Every Time!

Of course the venue makes a huge difference. General admission creates an opportunistic, competitive atmosphere. I like having a place to be, a little bit of real estate I can consider my own, so I prefer reserved seating. Venues without seating at all are disastrous for me because - well - I am five feet tall. I have absolutely no chance of seeing anything on stage because nearly everyone there is taller than I am. I find myself lost in a forest of human trees. Besides, these concerts are usually 3 hours long, and that is a very long time to stand in one spot...

Although a seat does not guarantee happiness...Even when I have a reserved seat, oftentimes those in front of me inconsiderately stand, blocking my view. As I mentioned, even standing up won't help me see when there's someone taller standing right in front of me. If I do stand, I am invariably next to Ms Flippy Hair Hippie Chick...and she has a problem. She can't seem to decide whether she wants her (invariably) long, straight blonde hair up in a pony tail, or down so it flies back and forth as she flips her head from side to side. Up or down...up or down...? In between her hair episodes, she dances hypnotically to her own beat, blithely unaware that her elbow which she's thrashing about is hitting me in the ear. Fortunately at our recent Allman Brothers concert, a nice, quiet middle aged man sat calmly next to me. He was even considerate about not hogging our shared armrest! Ms Flippy Hair Hippie Chick, however, was down on the main floor right in front of the stage where, apparently, no one has any personal space issues...I saw her, I swear!

At last Wednesday's concert the problem was Mr Fingers In His Mouth Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone Whistle. OH MY GOD! This guy (who holds the distinction of being the one referenced in the title) whistled louder than anyone I've ever heard every five minutes for two hours! Anyone who goes to concerts knows what I'm talking about when I refer to "concert ears." When your ears are exposed to the high volume of the music at the concert, they become more sensitive - especially to that eardrum-piercing high-pitched whistle! When he would let loose from three seats away from me, my ears would literally rattle and my whole body would jolt! So instead of being able to let go and flow with the music, I was gritting my teeth and seething! The funny thing is that the usher came by and we all thought, "Great, somebody complained and they are going to make him stop." It turns out that the usher was asking him to sit down! (We - and he - were in the last row of our section, so asking him to sit down seemed like the least of anyone's problems!) This guy was so insolent that as soon as the usher would be a few sections away, he would stand up again, like a petulant child to a babysitter, "You're not the boss of me!" (Can you say "problems with authority?") I joked to Scott that maybe the guy was right and that what the music needed to really be perfect was a whistler in the band and that this guy would nail that audition! Somewhere around mid-show we were treated to a performance by the woman he was with...so loud we could hear her over the amplified music! Her selections included, "Give Me My Goddamn Car Keys You Bastard!" and the ever popular "Don't You Disrespect Me, You Son-Of-A-Bitch!" Nice...very nice! And we thought we'd only paid for one show..!

I become incensed at the inconsiderate people who pay for tickets to a concert (like we bought the day they went on sale and eagerly anticipated for months) and then proceed to treat the show as if it were the house band at a bar, or an inconvenient disruption to their conversation. They ruin our concert experience by shouting ever louder over the music. If what they are saying is so damned important, why are they here? There are plenty of places that are appropriate for partying or conversation. A concert is for listening - nothing else - look it up! If they want total freedom to do what they want, talk when they want, stand where they want, dance where they want, they should just stay home and listen to a CD. At least then they won't be intruding on my right to watch uninterrupted!

Then there was the Farm Aid fiasco of '98...Farm Aid is a music festival that lasts all day...midday to midnight. One year we splurged on box seats because our only other choice was general admission lawn seats. We sat in the box with two other couples we didn't know who also kept to themselves all day. We sat, stretched out, kicked back, glad for our choice of seats through Wilco, Hootie and the Blowfish, John Mellencamp, Neil Young, Brian Wilson, Steve Earle, Willie Nelson...Then the last act of the night - Phish - hit the stage. Well, as soon as they came on, those folks who had spent the whole day on the lawn flooded down into the seating area. Zombielike, (no, that's not the name of one of the bands!) these "lawn-rats" swarmed down into the seats and into our box, standing wherever the hell they felt like! It was an absolutely overwhelming experience to have hundreds of bodies converge into my space within a matter of minutes! Maybe I wouldn't have minded as much if every single person hadn't acted as if it was their undeniable right to crowd into the space we'd occupied all day! People would just push right up next to me and start dancing and bumping into me, oblivious - or perhaps just not caring - that I was even there (first)! I have never felt so disregarded! Scott valiantly tried to help the situation by pretending to be "Staff" (his jacket was exactly the same shade of blue) and policing the gate. His "authority" caused a few of the rats to try elsewhere, but after a while it became evident that no one could stem the tide. We carved out a little space for ourselves in the sea of bodies and tried to still enjoy the rest of the show. This was my first time hearing Phish...it was my least favorite music of the day, so I guess if some band's performance had to be ruined for me, I am glad it was theirs.

It all comes down to manners - or lack thereof. Even at a rock concert there should be courtesy...hey, peace, love and rock and roll, Man! If you're going to be a crass, self-serving narcissist like everyone else, go mainstream in your music preferences too, and listen to Carrie Underwood. These quality, live music experiences are precious to true fans...don't fuck them up for us by being a jerk...! I don't understand why this isn't self-evident, but apparently it needs to be said: Please realize that there are many people who go to concerts to actually witness the miracle of the creation of live music, and if you are not there for that, for your sake and ours, you should be somewhere else.