I took the day off yesterday.
Sure, it was Sunday, but I had things I felt obliged to do...grocery shopping, laundry folding and putting away, pan scrubbing, bill paying, blogging...you know, the essentials to life as we know it... These are also chores I find it difficult to do during the week when my days are busy and my hours run late.
And sure, it was
freaking freezing here in Midwest Paradise...The
high temperature here was 14 degrees. That's not really inspiring weather to leave the house!
So I didn't...
I sat and watched bits and pieces of movies and started and stopped numerous chores on which I just couldn't focus. I didn't even shower or change out of my sweatclothes I threw on to cook brunch. Horror of horrors! That's really not like me at all - the Queen of both
Personal Hygiene and of
Getting It Done.
All I
did manage to do was cook brunch, watch the movie
Shopgirl (in its entirety) while serving as a blanket-covered seat for various cats and reheat leftovers for dinner.
Today, as I reflect on my
misspent day, I feel worse about how guilty I
felt for not accomplishing anything than for actually not accomplishing anything. Try as I might to give into my feelings of laziness, I would just become agitated each time I tried to give myself permission to relax... Something inside me would not let go of the drive to
achieve...
Consciously, I know that in the long run, anything I would have accomplished yesterday can just as easily be accomplished today or some other day this week... The only deadline for any of those particular tasks were in my own mind. My expectations for my weekend work output were higher than my capacity to do it...that all there is to it.
Consciously, I know that it is counterproductive to waste a day feeling guilty for not doing things, but I've always been a person whose self-worth is tied up in what I do. My usual outlook is that the only way I can measure up to my own - or anyone else's - expectations is to just keep doing... Like the Energizer Bunny...
going and going and going...! I know this is not a healthy way of living, yet it is a struggle for me to think and act otherwise.
At least I'm aware that I operate this way...
My challenge is to change that in myself...to allow myself the freedom to feel content just being, and not always doing.
I am a human
being...not a human
doing!
I am a human
being...not a human
doing!
I am a human
being...not a human
doing!
I appreciate having your attention as I express my feelings of guilt...I feel better already just getting it out into words.
How much do you charge for the hour of therapy?
First question, how was Shopgirl? I want to see that, just read a review elsewhere that said it was very good.
Second, oh to have a cat lie on top of me and to use said feline as a blanket. We had two cats then we had a baby who grew up to be an asthmatic who is allergic (gasp) to cats.
It was like Sophie's choice, I tell you. I'm not proud of that, but I miss my cat, is all I'm saying.
Third, are you Catholic? Because I am and I thought I had guilt down pat. Take a day. A day of rest. Look at rest -- the rejuvenating part -- as the item you accomplished. Resting and relaxing body and mind.
If not, do double duty today and you'll be back on track in no time.
p.s. Do you have any cream for this coffee?
I'll be happy to address your questions!
Shopgirl was excellent! I appreciate a movie with interesting, complex characters that I can feel for and/or identify with. It is very much a movie about these people and their complicated relationships. I think you'll enjoy it!
I'm so sorry that your child couldn't have the experience of having a cat for a pet...they really do teach children so much about companionship and tenderness! Not to mention the comfort of a kitty blanket!
Your Catholic radar is right on! How's this for Catholic...a sister who was a Nun, and 7 years of Parochial school! Yes, I'm sure that's where my sense of guilt was honed! But that was a long time ago... As an adult, I've moved away from organized religion, embarking on my own journey into spirituality. The guilt lingers, though...
The coffee is ready...Coffee Mate or half & half?
Give your self a break, two or three if you can. You deserve a day like you had. We all do. I love a lazy day where I do just about nothing. I have a little trouble doing that because there is always something to do so when i do get a day of nothingness, I relish it. You should do the same because you deserve it.
And thanks for all the answers. I appreciate that!
I have tons of guilt over not doing stuff at night when I get home from work. I don't know why. Other moms veg out in front of the TV or whatever, so why do I feel that I need to write a novel?? Weird.
Good luck with your novel! I believe that your novel is the way you express the restless part of yourself. It's great to have a goal for which to strive!
My 2 cents
That is so true! I don't remember the "take a break" part of taking good care of myself.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your good advice! I hope you'll visit again soon!